Healing

Wow, it's been a while since I've taken the time to sit and write what God is doing in my life and how He has been growing me through this year. I know that there have been previous posts about some issues happening this year; but there is so much more that is "in between the lines." I have taken some time; because when it comes to listening to God, lets' face it, we don't always stop talking and listen, to try and be in tune to what He is speaking to us. I have several things mingling around in my mind. This year has seemed to be a roller coaster of illness for myself and my husband. When I stop and think about it, it's been year that we have been dealing with health issues that have required surgeries, hospitalizations, more medicine, CT scans, MRI's, ultrasounds, IV's, blood draws, therapy, and oh so much more. There have been times when I have felt that I am fighting a losing battle. The good news is though, we aren't losing this battle! Our physical bodies may be tested and tried, but how is our spiritual body? Who do we call on when we are being tested through the physical sense? I don't know about you, but I call on God. There are so many times that I have just laid in bed praying for God to heal me and to take away the pain. So many times, I have literally cried out asking God why I was still going through this trial. I had a kidney stone the size of a golf ball back in February. It was bigger than any of the doctors had seen at that hospital. It should have been a simple enough procedure. I was due to go in on Valentine's day (yes, you read that right!), they were going to put in a nephrostomy tube (which is a conscious procedure..meaning I can feel it!), then go in the next morning and break up the stone and take out the pieces. Unfortunately, the stone was incredibly infected and so big that it was more complicated than they thought. Now, the tube that was in place for the surgery was changed out to a smaller tube that could be left in for a while. Once again, a procedure that is painful and just a local given! Well, the story doesn't end there. The tube was too small so I ended up with soaked clothes, bed, legs, etc. I had gauze upon gauze, tegaderm, and stitches put in to try and stop the leak. Nothing was working. So, I was given the news that I would once again have to go in for another tube surgery. By this point, I was begging with the doctors to do anything else, I didn't want to have to go through that again. In the end, that was what had to be done. I didn't have a choice. So, with tears in my eyes, praying the whole time and trying to keep my focus on the Lord rather than on the pain of the procedure, they changed the tube out once more. What was meant to be a three day operation and recovery turned into a six day stay in the hospital and a month of a drainage tube. There is so much more to that recovery period story that I will share in another post. The way my husband loved me and cared for me during that time was incredible. I spent a lot of time asking and praying for healing. I had to have a stent put in and then I got another infection. Little did I know that I would be having another surgery a couple of months later after about four visits to the ER and numerous tests, antibiotics, pain meds, etc. You name it, I probably had it done. I could start my own IV's after this year! I ended up having problems with my gall bladder. I had several gall stones, a gall bladder infection and a kidney infection. I was not eating and my weight was dropping fast. Now, it's always nice to lose weight, but not that way! I didn't find out about my infections and my gall bladder until after my husband went back to the sandbox. Let me just say, although he couldn't be with me, God has truly blessed my life with the people that surround me. I was never "by myself." God placed truly amazing people in my life that picked me up, made food for me, took me to the ER at any hour of the night, took me into their homes, cared for me, loved me, and prayed for me. When I was admitted to the hospital a third time in a week and a half and was told that I would need surgery to remove my gall bladder, my mom sent my younger sister up to be with me. I remember so many things vividly from this year. I have not been faithful about writing in my journal every night and I am working on remedying that. There has been so much pain this year and things I've learned (some the hard way!). Now, you may be asking where I am going with this. Well, I was so concerned with my physical health and wanting healing in my body, that I was missing the fact that God was working on healing me spiritually and drawing me closer to Himself. Ah...what was that??? Let me ask you, how often are you crying out to God and asking Him to heal something in your body that hurts? Now let me ask you this, how often do you cry out to Him to heal your spiritual walk? How often do you ask Him to show you where you need healing with Him? Hmmm...I will be honest, I don't do it enough! If God seems far away, guess who moved?? I will give you a hint, it wasn't Him! So often I move away from God and I ask myself why. I struggle with it and beat myself up. The good news is, He already knows when and how I am going to screw up. He knows how many times I will be on my knees or in my car or in the shower, wherever that I will be crying out to Him in shame for not spending time with Him. A couple of years ago, I was sharing part of my story with a dear friend at a retreat. She asked me if I needed to confess anything to God. More specifically, she asked me if my husband and I needed to confess anything together and ask forgiveness. Wow! I know that God was speaking through her! Through tear filled eyes, I said yes. God has been healing my marriage since before it began and He wasn’t going to stop now! My husband and I had premarital sex. It’s not something either one of us is proud of, but it is part of our story. So, I did as my friend suggested. Probably one of the hardest things I have had to do in my married life. I went home and told my husband that we needed to get on our knees and confess together to our sinful premarital ways and ask for forgiveness. Now, I don’t know where my husband’s heart is, I just know that God calls us to be obedient. So, we did just that and repented. It was definitely a turning point in our marriage. I am very grateful for that moment at the cross. We both needed that spiritual healing. So, I would like to go back to the physical for just a moment, because it’s usually in the physical hurt that God shows us where our spiritual growth needs to be. I have definitely had ups and downs this year with my kidneys. Numerous stents, surgeries, stones, etc. have kept me busy while my husband was deployed. Many people that know me know that my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for almost 11 years. It has been a road full of disappointment, frustration, sadness, anger, pain, tears, infertility medicines, procedures, expenses, and heartache. You name the emotion, I’ve probably experienced it at some point. I was very focused on producing new life, I was missing the “new life” God wanted to create in me..in my heart. As long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. I have been blessed to have a big family and surrounded by children of family members and friends my whole life. I think for most women it’s natural to desire children. It’s an amazing thing and who wouldn’t want to be a part of creating new life? So, a few months ago, (August to be exact), I was on the phone with my father in law who informed me that my sister in law was pregnant. It crushed my spirit. I felt completely broken. Not that I was not happy for her, I just couldn’t believe that once again, God had overlooked us. It was one thing to see negative test after negative test, but this seemed unbearable. What I didn’t realize, was that God was up to something so much bigger. (He usually is!) I called my mother and a dear friend in tears. My friend helped to sooth me and told me that I needed to go to my prayer closet, aka the shower, and just pray like I always did. While on the phone with my mother, she told me that she wanted me to calm down and listen to what she had to say. She reminded me first of the reason and purpose she had in naming me Rachel. I love how my mother chose my name and I will tell my children how and why their names were chosen. God doesn’t speak names to our parents by accident. Anyway, after hearing my mom’s love story for me, she told me to get my Bible and turn to Genesis 30:22. She asked me to read it to her. Let me interject here, I love that my mother has always taught me that when you have struggles in life and you feel like you can’t handle life, give it to God. He is here to handle it for us, we need to go to His word. I opened my Bible and turned to the scripture and read, “and God remembered Rachel and opened her womb.” She then told me to speak that scripture anytime I heard the devil lying to me, I needed to claim that scripture. After hanging up with her, I went to my prayer closet and got on my knees. With the water beating down on me, sobbing like I haven’t done in a long time, I cried out to God. I called to Him saying, “are you sure you remember me God?? I’m Rachel, I’m your child! I know you love me and I know that you hear me. You tell me in your word that you hear me and I want you to remember me!! I need you to remember me! I can’t do this anymore and I am giving it to you! As difficult as it is, I know it’s Yours and I need you to change me and provide healing in this broken heart.” I eventually stopped crying and stood up. I was emotionally spent and drained, yet somehow freer than I had felt in a long time. For me, I felt like this time I had truly left this at the cross. I made a choice to keep myself busy with other things and trying to see where I could be a blessing to others. My friend had come back up and we wanted to get in shape together. We were exercising regularly and eating right. I was excited, happy, healthy and trying to focus on what God was doing rather than what I wanted. I wanted to look good for my husband and enjoy the life God was giving me to live in this moment. My husband returned home on, October 7th. I had dropped my weight significantly and felt great! I enjoyed just being with him and focused on my marriage rather than previous desires. God was still healing. On, October 18th, I was due for another CT scan with dye to see if I would need to have yet another surgery. Before they could do the test, they had to do a blood test to make sure I wasn’t pregnant. It came back negative. I had a peace about it. I was not upset as I had been in the past. I was a little disappointed, but I was looking forward to getting my kidneys better. I was glad for the wait and distraction because God had orchestrated for us to be there at that very moment to pray for a woman we had just met who had learned she had breast cancer for the third time. So, after the test, the Dr confirmed that I would once again need surgery. The scar tissue from several previous surgeries was blocking the flow in my ureter from my kidney to my bladder. Surgery got scheduled for, Nov 2nd. So, the day came and we arrived at the hospital to have hopefully a last kidney surgery. Once again they had to do a blood test before they could perform the procedure. They started the IV and asked me lots of questions, came in to take blood and we waited. I prayed and read my Bible and listened to my Time with God playlist and shared what I could of faith with my nurses. We waited for almost an hour and a half for the results. I had a feeling that the results would be negative as they had been so many times before. The nurse finally showed up in the doorway and said to me, “good news, you don’t have to have surgery today..you’re pregnant!” I literally said, “WHAT?” She told me again that I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe my ears. I was in shock. My husband jumped out of his chair and with the biggest grin on his face and tears falling down his face, he gently cupped my face and said, “we’re going to have a baby!” God had remembered us. I was overwhelmed. I will never forget that day. My hands were shaking and I could barely talk. After all this time, God keeps his promises. He had provided healing in my heart. God’s timing is never our timing. One day is as a thousand to him and a thousand to a day. Nonetheless, He is faithful and true! I still sit and ponder over how things fell into place. Sometimes the news doesn’t seem real. The Dr still had to put a stent in with just a local…little painful, but not worse than other things I’ve been through. About four years ago, I was in the hospital with pneumonia. It was worse than any of the Dr’s had seen, especially in someone my age. I was hospitalized for 10 days. I had several visitors and words of encouragement that continue to help me to this day. They were healing words for life. Think back to trying times in your life. What have people told you in moments of trial that have been healing? Please, think about it! I bet you will come up with more than you think! One of the conversations that I pray to always remember was one with my aunt. She called to pray for me and during her prayer she said, “God, we know you are Jehovah Ropha, the God who heals.” The God that heals! Aren’t you glad you serve a God who has so many attributes and names and that one of them is healer? I am! God does heal. He heals the brokenhearted. He draws near to them. Even when we turn our backs on Him, He turns us back around and heals..no questions asked. He is my Jehovah Ropha! He continues to heal my body, my spirit, my relationships, my marriage, and my heart. I have had Isaiah 40:31 on my heart a lot recently. “Those that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.” Those that WAIT. Sometimes it’s so hard to wait, but it’s so worth the wait!! Let Him heal you. Don’t be afraid to call out to Him and ask Him. Ask Him to remember you and to heal what needs to be healed. Ask Him to heal you spiritually. When you are walking in healing with Him and with a healed heart, He will reveal things to you that you didn’t know were there and He will continue to bless you beyond measure! I pray that you have a season of healing!